Denizen of Hell

So it's been decided my tale in the JC world will not be told the rest of the way. Maybe it will come and be finished later on down the road, but at the moment it is far too along the same lines as the original plot to be all that interesting. Instead, since I no longer have those matters to write about, I'll speak of things that pertain to my own story. In the future chapters of my story may even be available here under the tile of "Begetting of the Snake" for the first half. The second half after I escaped the lamentations of my family, will tell of what I had once hoped to be my salvation, but is no more. Feel free to continue reading if the interest piques you, there's no demand for it. I dont pretend that I am anyone that is the least bit interesting.

Grrr, I want to commit mass murder and obliterate all these fools who enjoy tormenting me with my past! Why, why must I remember when I have the strong desire to forget? Alas, we're not allowed to completely put away our pasts, oh no! We have to forever be reminded of our past wrongs and hope we've grown strong enough to accept that they are past and with our present actions when can amend them if we havent already. Ah, but one of my past wrongs is still a present force everywhere I turn in this city. Lately I ask myself why I chose to run here instead of someplace else. Was it really so bad living almost my entire life like a normal? Until I came here, I had forgotten I wasnt like everyone else. Now it's so very clear I fit in nowhere, not even with the "freaks". I'm not troubled that they cant accept me really, that's not my problem. It's that they continue to seek me out but to use me of every power I possess. Leave me alone already! I'm dying a slow agonizing death, what more do you wish to take from me? Bliss isnt strong enough they say, so they need my help in making something new. I refuse them and what happens? *snarls*

That sick ojisan was a bastard. Starwood, you got what you deserved you sick prick. Black, thank the cosmos you're finally showing your prowess as a man! Calyx, there is little fault with you still...damn you for it. *chuckles* Jake...such a pity it was not to last. I miss it and that disgusts me. Andrew, you're still a conceited ass but I suppose you have your uses. Genesis, I will never stop hating you...loathing the feel and taste of you on my skin. I hope you rot wherever the gods send you. Parker...you're getting better. I might actually like you before the end. 'Mona, please stop PMSing you damn dominatrix! You're too much like her, I despise you for it. Dickerson, you're a sick old man and you'll reap every inch of the horrors you've sown. Count on it. You incestuous twins of Echo, no one likes the messenger. We have enough hell in our basket, we dont need you handing out more as hors d'oeuvres! I look forward to seeing how you like having your brains scrambled and reminded of all your sins. And the rest of you not on my main agenda or hit list, stay where you are. You're safer there.

*deep breath x3* Alright, I think I'm done for now. Having a journal to vent my frustrations is nice. Glad no one is dumb enough to read this shat too. It might come off as a wee bit unpleasant. *laughs* I think I'll go have a bath now before the next pain in my ass decides to take me to bed. *rolls eyes*

There is no escape from the bottomless pity of tortures I must endure in this life. No end to the pains I have to choke on day after day, and for what? Some vain hope I gave up being granted years ago? My heart has long since been dead, the moment her blood turned to ice as it spilt on the ground. Is there a reason why I must continue, I often wonder? No matter of washing could remove the filth ingrained permanently in my skin, and I long since stopped caring about how shameful my actions might be to the rest of the world. This is my second chance, but it has never been a chance at all. I suppose some are unworthy of that.

To take a lover has become such a loose term. It fits whomever I choose to frequently share my bed with, nothing more than a satable task. And yet they get so delighted when I proclaim them as such. Why? What honor is there to feel in being lover to the world's greatest slut? There is no honor to be found in such a position; these "lovers" are merely the distractions which I've chosen to drown myself in. If only to stop the endless voices and emotions, visions and delusions plaguing my cursed mind....I'll use them for however long they can remain a worthy distraction.

Though I have to question myself as to why....why I chose him to hold that position. Seems I've stooped to an even deeper low in my twisted kingdom, for my current choice hardly gains me anything of value towards reaching my goals. Perhaps I'm desperate? *laughs darkly* Either that or I'm bored and seeking amusement in my refuge. *shrugs* Ah well, it doesnt really matter. It's not like his new position will save him in the end....

It is cruel, yet it is just. It is thought to be insane, twisted...yet I do it because no one should have to be put in that sort of position for long. We muddle about looking for what purpose, what goal we are meant to achieve. And just when we think we've found it, it's lost. gone like a summer's breeze, caught up in winter kisses.

To understand is a very frail grasp of mind. Very few can hold onto it, and yet we all crave it. Desperately, like a fleeting hope. So you might ask, what is my purpose? What is the meaning to Satoshi Kira's life? -chuckles- Ah, to know what life really is would be a splendid dream. Yet like all dreams, it's one that alas, shall never be real.

I know no life outside of being touched. But the touches I've felt hold no love or affection, yet still they bring me purpose. Take away the one that holds me close, the one that touches me....and I am lost, a prisoner to the endless sea of voices in my head. How do I keep them silent, the Darkness asks me....and I reply thus: "with distractions, the mind fades into numb silence. i am free to no longer feel everything, to no longer hear everything, to no longer have to see everything....that is my Bliss."

They have taken him from me, the one who gives me purpose and who blocks out the voices. He now sleeps peacefully in an icy tomb, where I all I can do is look at him. The madness comes over me often now, and yet even though they get angry and wish me dead, I no longer care. For what is there now for to move forward to? I'm just moving, not really living, not really there. And what's funny is, I doubt there's a soul in this dank and dreary city, that really cares.

To the wonders of my insanity, I had a little run in with a special lady at the store and had the gall to ask her out to dinner. -smirks- Needless to say, I had to go through not one man, but two to succeed in doing so. First, I had to get through Black, since her being his mother makes him naturally defensive where her safety is concerned. And then, even after she talked it over with him and made it apparent she wasnt going to take no for an answer, I still had to get through her husband before we could go anywhere.

Now why would I have had the stupidity to do something like this in the first place, you might ask? Let's just say for the sake of voicing, that I had plenty of reason to go about it. -sigh- It was an interesting night. Not once since I have come here has anyone looked at me with such overpowering warmth. There was no treachery, no facade, no sign at all that she once held me in contempt or disgust. -thoughtful look- I'm not accustomed to such kindness. She is the type of person even I am afraid to touch. Me, who fears nothing, not even the coming of the reaper, is afraid of one simple woman.

-chuckles- Now, I wont go into details as to our date because it's really no one business. Just a couple of mothers chatting our tongues off. Nothing of importance. -smirks- However, before he would allow me to go through with my taking his wife to dinner, we came to an arrangement. Tonight, I shall pay my price, even though I have commited no wrong.

-sigh- Everything...has a price.

I have no heart. I feel nothing. All is empty within me. Or so it should be believed, but there is one who doesnt see that. and no matter how much i try to hide myself from him, we are too much alike not to understand one another.

Also, here's a poem i wrote recently. It's what you'd call and "Interpretive Poem", since it means whatever the reader wants it to mean. Hence, open for the reader's interpretation.

Poetry and riddles unspoken,
Silvery glass shattering like a sea.
Barbed wire staining my neck crimson
Velvet sheets tousled on the floor.
Lust and love both rivals fated,
Torn between the real and the surreal.

What covets oh so cruelly weilds the icy blade,
With which the silver's sheen does speak of bitterness.
Tragedy cuts, makes the vessels bleed
Like the razorblade cutting the emo's wrist.
Suicide is the fate, the destiny stunted
Romance the tragedy, besought through hopless fools.

Lamentation like a cry peircing the silence,
Reminscience the forlorn seer's catalyst.
Blood, tears, screams, silence
The agony, the bitterness
Tossed out upon the shore of eternity.
Doest thou know the meaning of the crimson streams?
Can you feel the agony of my travails?

Cataclysms so apocalyptic
It all stands on shaky scaffolds.
Threatening and breaking
It all cascades further into the abyss.

Doest thou know of what i speak, dear sparrow?
Doest thou hear the cries from desperate lips?
All is still, all is silent
The Ages pass into the past.
What we once knew is no longer what we know
The census made up of endless fools.

Molten waxed roses and tears of crimson rain,
Velvet dreams and sapphires skies;
I speak of tragedy and weave the desperate romances,
Is it really so wrong for the poet, nay the writer
To cry on bended knee?
For the bitterness too often trails,
Along the trodden road of discompassion.
Yet the weavers that weave
The stories that over and over be told;
It is they that sing the sorrow and reap the agony,
Speaking out in words written rather than spoken
Bringing light to the tragedies that cultivate
Their mind's children, nay themselves.

It is for this reason that which
We take up the pen rather than the sword.
If not for this, then for nothing.
There would be no need to leave our mark upon the world.

Creation of this journal was made due to the fact I am bored and need some form of entertainment. Should I feel you are worthy to converse with, you may just be added to my list(though what list that is i wont tell). Most of what is here will be useless and make no sense to most of you who read it. It is for role-playing purposes ONLY, and I couldnt give a damn about your life stories that you humans are so adamant about spreading to EVERYONE. If you desire to waste five seconds of my life with idle chatter that I couldnt care less about, please expect the worst. -innocent smile-

~Do try and keep me amused. I do so hate to be bored.~

No. 1 Rule with me: No Touchy(unless I allowed it)